Tuesday, February 28, 2012

A Really Hard Day

Tuesday was a really tough day for me. I am not going to sugar coat it. It was probably one of the worst days I have had in a long while. I am so serious. Please do not judge me. But I feel as though this story needs to be told. My name is Celi and this is my story.......

I feel as though I have had a rough couple of days. If they weren't frustrating or embarrassing (or both!) they were extremely busy and hectic. From Friday on it just kept building and building. I was getting more tired and worn out as each day passed. So, after my busy Monday, I headed to bed. But my daughter and her crazy diaper rash woke me up a couple of times during the night. I am not used to waking up at night anymore. Far from it! When you are nursing a newborn it is one of the toughest things to do--the sleep deprivation is so brutal! And once your baby starts sleeping through the night, you are more than happy to sleep as much as your children will let you!

When Tuesday morning rolls around, I am so tired that my whole body feels heavy. My eyelids wouldn't open for the life of me. I felt like I was drowning in my sleep and trying to surface out of my slumber to wake up. But oh man, I couldn't get up! So, my kids wake up, earlier than usual and my husband takes care of them while I sleep as much as possible. Eventually he has to leave. I am sure that he told me he was leaving and good bye as he usually does, but I don't even know he does as I am in the midst of my sleeping oblivion. When I have mornings that I am sick or can't get up, my son usually comes in my room with my daughter and they watch movies. However, since they woke up so early they got their day started and it didn't include being in my room.

Once my husband left, my son and daughter decide they want to go for a walk in the falling snow. And that's exactly what they did! They got their shoes on and cranked their music way up and while I totally thought they were rocking out to the chipmunks (they do this often) they were actually wandering without coats in the snow in the neighborhood! They didn't walk on the tame side of the house, they decided to walk on one of the busier streets we live by!

Meanwhile, some of the lovely, caring women in my ward notice the state of my children and lack of parental supervision. They grab my children before anything serious could happen to them. They actually got to them so quickly that I don't think my kids were by themselves for more than 10 minutes. Thank goodness! Meanwhile they were thinking that maybe something had happened to me so they call me up to make sure that I am okay. Groggily I answer my cell (one of the women is the mom of one of my piano students) and I wake up really fast when I hear that they have my children and that they are bringing them back home. As soon as I hung up and jumped into some clothes my mind just starts going through all kinds of scenarios. I watch a show called Criminal Minds and all the episodes about child abductions start running through my mind and I feel so sick that my children had been in such a situation that something even as remote as that could have been a possible outcome.

I open the door as soon as I hear the bell and my children walk into the house so excited that they were able to play in the snow. They really don't want to come in the house, but man that is exactly what happened! Here I am falling to pieces in my mind about this whole ordeal and they are blissfully unaware of the precarious predicament they had put themselves into. I talked to my Sammy and explained that he can't leave without telling me and that they especially can't go outside without Mommy. He just says okay and leaves it at that.

After I calmed down and felt better that my kids were safe and at home, the guilt comes crashing over me. What kind of mother am I? What kind of mother doesn't even know their children are gone?! I totally felt like my kids were out of control. This was the last straw. And dang it! Why did my kids have to do things in front of the whole world?! Not only was I feeling so guilty, but now everyone knew what a horrible excuse of a mother I was! Was I crazy to have kids?! Was I crazy to even think about having more kids?! How could I have more kids if I couldn't even control the two that I have?! What was wrong with me?! These thoughts and others crossed through my mind all morning.

I felt pretty defeated. I was the worst mother in the world. I was so incapacitated by my guilt that I did not get much done that day. I was also amazed at how I wasn't even angry with my kids over this situation. My son knows better. And he unlocked our doors to get outside, so he knew he wasn't supposed to go outside. But I realized that I was so tired of being upset with my son that I wasn't even mad about this. I was too relieved he was safe and whole and that my daughter was as well. And I was too disgusted with myself to spend more energy on being angry.

Luckily, I had a voice lesson scheduled for that afternoon so it forced me to focus on something else and try to get over this whole ordeal. I am so grateful for music. Music is always something I can depend on to distract myself from some of the challenges I face in my life. So I picked myself up and worked on something that I felt I could handle. My kids also loved preparing and singing with me for my voice lessons. My Sammy even told me, "Mom! You are doing such a good job!!" So when the time came we headed over to my voice lessons. When we got there, my friend Kim asked if we could come later so that she could take her son to take the test for his driver's permit. I had nothing else to do so I said, yes! I remember being that age and how important that was! So we returned home and I worked on my songs more and then we headed back. Luckily my husband made it back in time to take the kids so I wouldn't have to worry about them.

My voice lesson went awesome--probably because I was so preoccupied about my day that I didn't have the ability to be nervous to sing! How crazy was that?! I am excited that I am getting close on my songs and I am getting some new songs! I have an Italian song, English song, and a new French song. I have never sung in French before and I am excited to learn. We also worked on my solo that I will be performing in church!

When I was done I talked with my friend Kim and her girls. I love them so much, they are so fun to be around and I just feel at ease. We talked about all kinds of things and the next thing I knew, I was telling them about how the kids escaped that morning. To my amazement, they thought it was so funny and proceeded to tell me that it happens to everyone. They told me some stories when some of their family members who are younger got lost. I laughed and I was starting to realize that this wasn't so bad. My kids were not traumatized by this experience and that someday, hopefully, this will be a great family story to tell.

I also was happy to realize that I am proud at how strong my kids are. They wanted to do something, they saw some obstacles but they thought it through and went for it. I hope that I can raise independent, strong children who aren't afraid to do what they need to solve their own problems. I don't know if I am ready for them to be quite so independent yet, but I think they are on their way. Maybe I am not doing as bad of a job as I thought I was.

I am so grateful for friends who looked out for my kids and for friends who lift me up and help me to be okay with my embarrassing moments. I am also grateful for a husband who loves me no matter what I do especially when it involves our children. I am thankful he understands me and knows how to handle me so I don't feel like he thinks I am ridiculous or crazy. And I am also grateful for a husband who knows when his wife needs some take out for dinner!

No comments:

Post a Comment